i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
