Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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