Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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