she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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