Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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