i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
