One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
