I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
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i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
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I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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