I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
