I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
