Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
