Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I died a long time ago.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
