i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
