Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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