Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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