everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
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The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
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Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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