I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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