she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
