Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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