you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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