I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
