I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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