i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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