I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
