Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
