I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
