How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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