I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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