I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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