I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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