____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
