I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
