Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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