there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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