I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
