Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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