you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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