If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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