I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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