Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
