You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
