Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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