I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
