yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
