His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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