Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
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Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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