She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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