a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
