I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
