You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
