My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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