Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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