How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
