operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
