I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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